Recently, I seem to spend my time holding back the words, or silently screaming. Intersperse these things with a smattering of eye rolls and clenched fists, and you may begin to comprehend a fraction of my frustration.
The problem is time (or lack of it). The problem is exhaustion (through lack of sleep, amongst other things). The problem is being a people pleaser (at the expense of myself). The problem is malady (I don’t look after my health). So really, what I guess I’m saying is, the problem is me.
For a long time now I have bent myself out of shape. I’ve tried to fit into the box that others have so carefully crafted for me. Unfortunately, it will always end up being a case of the square peg and round hole scenario. I conform, I compliment, I try to shield people from things that could be damaging to them. I find it hard to say no when somebody needs help. I try to help people to achieve the things they want, often at great expense to my time and energy. I show tolerance in situations where maybe I shouldn’t, and patience at times when I should really explode. I internalise all the tension and negativity. The sad thing is, it’s nobody’s fault but my own.
I need to work on these things. It’s a great thing to be able to help others. It’s a wonderful thing to not expect anything back. The problem comes when the things that you are doing are taking a toll on your health, both physically and mentally. The other problem comes when that offer of help becomes an expectation on the receiving end. I’ve pointed out before that I need to learn to say no. I’ve failed in that department so far. So what to do?
I need to start taking a leaf out of other people’s books. I need to know my limitations. I need to set my boundaries. I need to stop setting myself to other peoples’ time tables. Because, right now, it’s draining me. It’s dictating when I can do the things I love. It’s making me half a person. And it can only be a downward slope from here.
It’s time to rest my frazzled mind. Time to look after my mental and physical health. Time to write, read, draw, and have time with my children and pets. I just want to find the joy in life again.
It’s what I deserve.
It’s what every one of us deserves in our lives, right now.
I hope that you are all safe and well. I hope that life is treating you kindly.
Until next time…
T.F. Webb 